You're gonna die!



That's how I felt going to freakin' St. Louis this past sunday. I tell you, I have had very, VERY few cities scare the hell out of me, but I'm fucking TERRIFIED of STL. Too. Many. Fucking. People. Seriously. All you people overseas who have never seen the U.S., or all of you people here in America who have never been, You're freaking lucky. It's too fucking big. Too many people. Too fucking scary.

I have totally fucked up. I've been dwelling too much in the past to the point where I feel like I've hurt my lover. I didn't want to, but I think I did. I hate myself. I hate Dillon. I hate Katie. I hate them. But I love Aaron. I really do. I have a lot of other stuff to worry about. Like trying to play the bass guitar with a sprained-ass wrist. I thank Harley profusely for opening my eyes to my own stupidity. So,

So long and good night, past. You have served me well and hurt me, but in the end, I will always keep getting stronger.


And Dillon, If you ever read this, I hope you're happy. Because I am.



And you're an asshole...

Okay, so.



My mom and Dad FINALLY got their tax return money on their card and then took my sister out to the mall. Well, the card didn't work but my dad bought my sister her bright pink and neon green Converse anyway. Why my sister wanted Converse, I have no freaking idea.


Anyway


So, like three days later, after mom and Dad have already raised hell with the tax people for the card, Mom and Dad take Kelly AND me to the mall,


Well,

We checked almost every store that Kelly said had my shoes and couldn't find them in my size, so we went to Lady Foot Locker and found them. So, I had the Chucks I wanted got to checkout, and my whole family is holding their breath.

Then the lady is all like "Well, your card has been approved", and my mom and dad both sigh with relief and I went out into the mall to put on my BRAND NEW BLACK/WHITE AUTHENTIC CHUCK TAYLORS!!!!


That's right, people. I said it.

THE CROW HAS HER VERY OWN CONVERSE!!!!


And is loving it.


So then, yesterday, while I was at Amtgard (look it up), my mom, dad, and Kelly went and got me two new tanktops, one black, one grey. AND two more pairs of my earlier addictions, skinny jeans! One is Royal Blue (my fave) and the other is a real sexy pink.


They look amazing with my chucks.


Well, I gotta go. Gotta go to school in the morning and I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow



So Long And Goodnight



OH!


Read the Watchmen, the comic. If you don't, I might cry. Please?


It will make the movie seem like crap


READ IT PEOPLE! SUPPORT COMIC BOOKS!

RORSCHACH IS MY HOMEBOY!



xoxo
the Crow

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xoxo

the Crow

*sigh*

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Love of my life, you've hurt me
You've broken my heart, and now you leave me
Love of my life, can't you see...
Bring it back, bring it back, don't take it away from me
Because you don't know, what it means to me

Love of my life, don't leave me
You've taken my love, you now desert me
Love of my life can't you see...
Bring it back bring it back, don't take it away from me
Because you don't know, what it means to me
You will remember, when this is blown over
And everything's all by the way
When I grow older I will be there at your side to remind you
How I still love you [I still love you]

Back hurry back, please bring it back home to me
Because you don't know, what it means to me
Love of my life, Love of my life


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Well, as of earlier, I am no longer "in a relationship". The good Lord has informed my sweet prince that I am not the best that he could have. But he does still love me, even though he knows that he has to kill those feelings to be able to date again without any regrets. And that just kills me more. I love him. I always will love him. The thought of him being with another woman is just... it hurts. It hurts so much. Because we told each other that we were going to be together forever. That we would be married. While I love the Lord and I do abide by his judgement, for some odd reason, I can't help but think that this might be his way of telling me he just doesn't want to be tied down. He is still my best friend and he always will be but I wanted so much to be the woman that the Lord wanted him to be with. And just to top it off, two weeks from Valentine's Day, or as I will now call it, The Valentine's Day Massacre. I can't think. I feel sick. I feel as though someone has taken the still-beating heart out of my chest and put it inside of a paper shredder, followed by sewing the bits back together, and repeating the process. I don't want to destroy those feelings. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to be his, forever. And I can't do that. And it's killing me. I don't want to move on. I don't want to date anyone but him. I don't want anyone BUT him. I don't want to deal with this. I just want him and I to be right for each other. And like a typical guy, he's gonna date again. Because that's what he said he'd do. I know for a fact that he'll never find a girl like me. And I'm glad. But I want him to be happy, even if it isn't with me. I would much rather prove that I can make him happier than almost any other girl out there. I don't want to sound vain by that but that's just how I feel.

I love him

I always will

And I'm sorry if that hurts him, but I can't get rid of these feelings.

xoxo
the fucking crow